Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 3, 2014
My 3yo "accidentally" unspooled the entire roll of toilet paper. But don't worry, he "fixed" it. pic.twitter.com/MFKWJ2rNqi
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) October 24, 2014
In case you were wondering, the loudest sound in the world is my kid screaming, "Are you pooping?!?" in a public restroom.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 19, 2016
[Tucking in my 4 year old]
— Bo Davis (@BoRyan11) November 26, 2016
4YO: Daddy??
Me: Yes buddy?
4: We don't fart on friends.
M: Good advice buddy.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 15, 2013
Me: *sings along to radio*
— Melissa McCartney (@ToastyGiraffe) November 26, 2016
3yo: why don't you let it sing all by itself?
My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 9, 2015
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands
4: Mommy, you're just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) April 17, 2014
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: ...
4: Or the fat sea witch!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 27, 2014
at least we don't have to save for college
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night
— sharon (@rubywoo09) April 1, 2015
How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?
— Misha BBQJones (@mishakey) January 6, 2013
3yo: “You need to get your cuddles from someone else I am REALLY busy and you’ve already had enough”
— Leena (@LeenaVanD) November 24, 2016
I didn’t birth you for such rejection
There is little difference between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) November 22, 2015
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn't find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn't even wear glasses.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) July 31, 2015
Preschool teacher: Your daughter said a bad word in class.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2015
Me: Where the fuck did she learn that?
Fully expecting a few carefully worded questions at the next parents' night. pic.twitter.com/vql21wkgAf
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) April 13, 2016
Me: [in bathroom]
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 19, 2016
7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?
Me: Yeah pal
7: IT'S ME
Me: I know
7: YOUR SON
Me: Knew that too
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 3, 2015
Never, & I mean NEVER make eye contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep.They will sense your excitement & abort mission! #momlife
— snap:Caffeineandfair (@CaffeineandF) November 14, 2015
My kid just flushed her socks down the toilet because "dirty stuff goes there."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) November 11, 2015
Sound logic, questionable execution.
Me: I think I ate too much.
— Aaron Aryanpur (@aaroncomedian) November 26, 2016
4yo: Yeah, but not just today.
Me: Do you want to write a letter to Santa?
— Kiersten White (@kierstenwhite) December 6, 2016
3yo: Yes. "H."
It IS a good letter.
80% of parenting is yelling through a closed bathroom door.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) January 20, 2015
Me: "Santa's quite old, you know."
— Lauren Hall-Lew (@dialect) November 25, 2016
4yo: "How old is he? 26? 27?"
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2015
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: Kids, what animal would you take into space?
— Caitlin Obom (@caitlinobom) November 25, 2016
7yo: Puppies!
4yo: A stinky man who farts!
Me: I love it, good luck with the grant process.
To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2 year old threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2013
me: what do you want for lunch
— Alex McDaniel (@AlexMcDaniel) December 2, 2016
3yo: an apple
me: what else
3yo: leaves
[At dinner]
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it's 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
You don't know fear until you hear your 2yo flush the toilet and yell "BYE BYE" from the hall bathroom. #funnyparents
— Amy Westmoreland (@lilwestman) October 31, 2015
My kid just ran full force into the wall twice because he wanted too. I'm just gonna start using his college fund to buy wine.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 31, 2013
